Dr Irvin Yalom, one of the grandfathers of modern-day psychotherapy once said "unless my clients take complete responsibility for themselves and their actions everything is a waste of time". It's a fairly clear message isn't it. Couples Therapy must be one of the last strong holds of responsibility dodging and finger pointing... so how do therapists circumnavigate this endless dance of blame?
Unless skillfully facilitated, Couples Therapy will quickly become bogged down in an endless round of "Whose Fault Is It". This is a game played out by all unhappy couples around the world which consists of two people sitting in a therapists office saying things to each other like, "you don't understand me" "you're too emotional", "you never listen to me" amongst countless other accusations. It's worth bearing in mind that all this parterapeut might or might not be true but doesn't make a jot of difference to the final outcome. It's only when I begin hearing people say things to each other like "I find it difficult to understand you", "perhaps I'm too emotional" or "I don't really listen to what you're saying" that I feel that therapy is actually working. Without taking this leap of responsibility nothing will change, and, after all, its change that Couples Therapy is really all about. So what can we do to avoid this endless round of "Whose Fault Is It"?
It's probably useful just to acknowledge that many relationship counselors and couple's therapists often get this wrong. Even well qualified and experienced practitioners. It's immensely difficult not to take sides, especially when one side is particularly compelling. Whether consciously or sub-consciously each partner engaged in Couples Therapy will start by trying to get a therapist "on their side" which is only natural. It's what we automatically do in times of stress; we try to bulk up the number of our supporters. If the therapist's on our side, the battle is almost won. There are a number of useful strategies that good therapists use to avoid getting pulled into the fray and encourage each partner to begin taking responsibility for their own actions, rather than to constantly point the finger at the other.